worst night to have a conscience
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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