sarcasm needs its own font
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
