Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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