Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
