I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
