I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
