God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
