I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
