wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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