Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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