I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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