I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
