Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
How's work?
Spinning.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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