sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
