I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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