They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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