totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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