He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Randomize
