as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
