You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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