This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
