my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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