Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
