last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
