I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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