This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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