just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
