I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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