I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
