My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
