you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
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No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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