I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
