Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
