You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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