her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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