Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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