Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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