In the future we'll all be gay
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The Olympian is in my bed
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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