You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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