You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
