the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
