My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Four minutes until I can fart!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
