shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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