Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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