You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
