Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
