I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
