I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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