how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
