Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
