My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
