Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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