they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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