This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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