The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
