I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
