Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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