my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
