I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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