My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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