either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
