you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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