Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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